OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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