Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
