he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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