you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
