I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
