Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
