my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize
