I wish my penis had an off switch
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
