The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I believe in your delicious
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
