I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
