the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Randomize
