It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
