I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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