I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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