she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
