Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
