I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
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