im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
God I need to hump something, right now.
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