I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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