i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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