we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
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so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
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Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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