I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
