He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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