they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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