She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
