I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Randomize
