.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
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My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
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Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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