Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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