Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
