I just threw up on my dentist
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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