I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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