there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
