Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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