My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
