I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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