and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
