They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
