They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
