You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
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