I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
