I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
