Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
