Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
