Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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