It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
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Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
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To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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