In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
