Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
