She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
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