my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
