just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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