made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
