We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag