i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
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I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
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Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey