What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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