its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
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