do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
