I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
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